Learning Self- Love in London

This post is a rough one. I took a lot of time to think about what I wanted to say here. Originally, the lesson of love in London was talking about feeling at home. Because that's how I feel whenever I'm in London. I feel like I'm home. There's so much I could've written about and the things I learned on this trip specifically. But there was an incident that happened I just haven't been able to shake. I warn you, it's controversial. This blog post is about as vulnerable and as personal as I'll ever get on a public forum. So if you don't feel you can handle it, please don't continue reading. To be completely clear, this is not the post for family members or friends to provide their thoughts or opinions on me writing this. It's me hoping no woman ever has to feel alone in the experiences I know they're having.

Here it goes...

I'm still learning how to live in Europe away from family and how to navigate all of that. So Christmas came early this year. I wanted to send a package of gifts to my parents' house months in advance so everyone would have their presents on time. When I went to the store to get a box and send the package I encountered a guy that I quickly realized was from the US. Ah, how nice. While I was packing up the box and filling out the customs paperwork, we got to chatting. It was just me and him talking about living in Europe as Americans. I talked about the places I've gotten to travel, my goals, and experiences I've had.

"How old are you?", he asked.

I responded with my age.

"You look so young but you talk like you're an adult", he mentioned.

Comments like that always make my grandmother smile. I pictured her face in my head and did an internal eye roll.

"I basically am an adult", I said with a hint of mockery.

In Dublin I bought a claddagh ring. I bought the ring with my birth stone in it, diamond. It was something I desperately wanted my former partner to get me and he never did. So I made the empowered woman choice and got the ring for myself in the country in which the symbolism of the ring is so closely connected with. I've been wearing it ever since.

"Oh, are you engaged?", he said.

"No, it's a claddagh ring. I'm wearing it on my right hand.", I replied.

I took off the ring and explained the symbolism. I laughed and said "I'm half Irish and half Italian, it's quite a combination", as I continued to fill out my paperwork.

"So you probably spanked all your ex boyfriends then, right?", he said with a smirk.

I scoffed at him with disgust.

Now, I want everyone to understand, this is not the first time things like this have been said to me, and it won't be the last. I'm not the first woman this has happened to, and I won't be the last. This isn't even the worst thing another man has done or said to me. Through all these experiences, I have learned in these moments to slow down time. You have seconds to respond. And in these moments, it feels like life or death. In this instance, I didn't know him. I didn't know how he would react. I wanted to hit him. I wanted to tell him off. I wanted to firmly tell him how inappropriate his behavior was. But we were in a store. Alone. So I did a calculation in mere seconds, and I tried to say it all with a scoff.

"Wow, that laugh kind of scared me", he responded.

I just continued to fill out my paperwork and thankfully, a couple walked in with a query of their own. I finished my paperwork. I paid. I left.

Now like I said, this wasn't the worst it could have been. On a scale of 1 - 10, probably a 3 or a 4 in gross behavior. But that's not why I wanted to write this post. I wanted to write this post because of how I responded once I came down to earth and time went back to a normal pace.

I had tears in my eyes from anger (and no, tears are not a sign of weakness - it's not letting the other guy win - it's a way of releasing everything) and power walked down the street. The adrenaline was pumping and a million questions came to mind: What am I wearing? What did I say? Was I too flirty? I was blaming myself for his gross behavior. That was my instinct.

If you made it this far I want you to pause here. Take a big inhale, and let out a big swooshing exhale. This is where I want to make my point. This wasn't my fault. I intellectually know that. If you have been in any version of this scenario - it was also not. your. fault. Now, take another deep breath. You're beautiful. You're here.

Growing up, the narrative of my female family members was how the women in these kinds of situations bring it on themselves. Their clothing is too tight. They take photos that are suggestive. They are obsessed with their appearance. As if those things justify being treated badly. We let the men off the hook for their bad behavior time and time again when we say things like that. Hearing this from my family members, and society as a whole, I thought the right thing to do was wear baggy clothes, don't do your hair nice, don't take selfies a certain way, don't hang out with certain people, don't wear make up. I mean the list goes on and on. Most days of my life, I have stuck with that list thinking it will keep the bad men away. Guess what. It didn't make a bit of difference.

For the record for the ignorant, I was wearing baggy clothes. I wasn't wearing make up. My hair was in a disheveled bun. I wasn't flirting. It was him. Even if I was wearing cloths that fit just right and had my hair and make up done. Even if I was being flirtatious. He's the one that crossed the line. He's the one that felt the vibe change and didn't apologize right away. This was on him.

So ladies and girlies, go out into the world with confidence. Be yourself. Love yourself. Don't worry about the ignorance of what others apply to you being you. But be smart. Keep your guard up, always be aware. Be safe. You are not responsible for the actions and words of gross people, but you are responsible for keeping yourself safe. It's not your fault for being in the situation, but do your research and be aware in how to get yourself out. Because ultimately it doesn't matter what you do, the creepers are always going to creep.

I have forgiven myself for for the self blame. I hope I learn from it and continue to become a strong, independent woman who is proud of herself. This is nothing for ME to be ashamed of, it's for HIM to be ashamed. This is why I ultimately felt that it was important to share this story and my feelings behind it, regardless if family feels this is too much. This was ultimately a big lesson in self-love that I know other woman and girls are needing. The Me Too movement helped the pendulum swing in the right direction, but it didn't fix the problem.

I understand what I have to say here can be quite controversial, and my opinion on this will forever evolve. But I hope it helps people feel less alone and it helps women not blame themselves for the actions and words of others.

I apologize for a rather lengthy blog. But it was an important one. I'm looking forward to my next London post having a bit more pep and excitement.

Sending love to all of my ladies out there, just taking it one day at a time.