"A birthday is a time to reflect on the year gone by, but to also set your goals for the upcoming year."

While we were in Florence, it was my birthday. Growing up, birthday's were a big deal. My father created a song to wake us up with and everything. It was a true celebration where it was essentially a "yes" day. Birthday's started to take a turn on my 15th birthday. I had just been officially diagnosed with celiac and we were within a week of starting a gluten free diet. I begged my mom to let me have one last regular birthday cake and then I could go gluten free. For reasons I still don't understand, she did not go for it. There were a lot of things that went wrong that day, which shall remain personal. But it was a horrible day. I've only had three good birthdays since that one.

My birthday started becoming about everyone else in my life, rather than celebrating my life and my existence. I watched all year long the birthday posts on social media for friends and my siblings, but it felt like whenever my birthday came, there was always a reason my sister didn't make a post for me like she did for our other sister. My friends usually forgot. It became guilt trips from my parents for me to do what made them happy. I had a partner in my life that didn't like celebrating his birthday so felt there was no need to celebrate mine. It became another day where it felt like I didn't matter to anyone.

I will say, my three good birthdays, one was my COVID birthday (everyone has one...or two) at 26, my 27th birthday in Boston when I decided my birthday will be spent on a trip of my choosing, and my 28th birthday when I got to be with my grandparents.

Birthdays are a tricky thing. People feel entitled to project their feelings onto others. If they don't believe in celebrating birthdays, then they will make sure you know celebrating yours is dumb. If you get excited by your birthday, you think those that don't enjoy celebrating it are just misunderstanding life itself.

I find that birthdays are the one day you can be a bit selfish. I personally do enjoy celebrating my birthday. But I struggle with the idea that others feel I shouldn't be alone on my birthday. At this point, it's either very specific people I would like to be with, or I would like to be alone. All I ask of my birthday is that it's one day I don't have to live on anyone else's terms. That's been my issue with birthdays lately. They just feel suffocating. It feels like a very big reminder of how little I mean to the people that mean the world to me. When you are someone that deals with depression and anxiety, birthdays have too much pressure to them.

With all that said, my goal is to have a big huge party for my 30th birthday party. But, because I expect to be disappointed, I'm having my best friend plan it out so I don't have to know anything. I fully expect to show up to a room with a DJ and a dance floor with no one there to dance with me. In which case, I can say she knew what I needed and planned it that way, and I don't have to take any rejection of the invitation so personally. If there's anyone there, I can be pleasantly surprised. There's so much to unpack here from this post, but that should be saved for a really good therapist. But hopefully this post helps people feel less alone. And let me know your birthday... I'll make sure you feel loved and acknowledged.